To grieve is to feel sorrow as the dictionary defines it. The stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
I was watching Kim's Fairytale Wedding on E! the other night and it brought up at lot of old feelings that I had bottled up inside. Kim lost her father and she wanted him to be apart of her wedding ceremony so she was going through old clothing looking for material to cut a heart out a sew it in her dress in remembrance of her father. She broke down because she was overwhelmed because she missed him so much. I can relate and understand where she is coming from because I too lost my dad.
Everybody experiences loss. Some more than others, its a part of the journey of life. No one really knows how one feels. And during that time there is nothing that really comforts you because you do not have that loved one near. Speaking personally I learned to cope with losing a loved one at an early age.
The year was 1998 I was 14 (yes I am dating myself) and my life was what I define as perfect. I wanted for nothing. My parents gave me everything I ever wanted or needed.
My father had been in remission from kidney cancer for 6 years. Suddenly he became ill and that is when my perfect world turn upside down. Everything was happening so fast doctors appointments, in and out of the hospital. I never experienced the death of a loved one and did not think it could happen in my perfect world. Boy did I have a lot to learn. On February 1,1998 at 8:30 pm my mother woke me up from a sweet slumber and told me my father had passed away. I could not believe it. The doctors had sent him home from the hospital so I thought he was getting better. It was my fathers wish to be home with his family his finally days. I ran downstairs frantically to see if she was telling the truth. I saw my brother sitting there across from his hospital bed with his head in his lap. I thought my father was still breathing since there was some kind of air apparatus on the bed. But my mother was right he was gone. Being young I could not understand why. I am also a bit ashamed to say that I was angry at God for taking my father away from me. I was constantly questioning why. I have heard from older people in the church that we should not question God but I could not understand so I did. Why? To this day I still haven't gotten a direct answer but I have gotten understanding as I have grown for a naive little girl into a constantly growing woman.
I was angry for years. I still have my moments but its apart of the grieving cycle I will call it instead of a process. In this cycle one can go back and forth through the different stages in the cycle. I look at it as if it were equivalent to the circle of life with a bunch of arrows criss-crossing between stages. It is definitely a learning experience that no person or book can tell you exactly how to get through it. Yes the are tools but one has to learn and cope on their own.
I am now 28 and have dealt with more loss but non greater than the loss of my father. I get through it by remembering the good times. His laugh, his "hip" sayings, his wisdom kindness. My father was the most self-less kind hearted man until this day I have ever known. He had a gentle soul he was so friendly he knew everyone. I did not know him to have any enemies. Wow he was truly and angel that God needed by his side in heaven. I am proud to say that he was my dad!
I was watching Kim's Fairytale Wedding on E! the other night and it brought up at lot of old feelings that I had bottled up inside. Kim lost her father and she wanted him to be apart of her wedding ceremony so she was going through old clothing looking for material to cut a heart out a sew it in her dress in remembrance of her father. She broke down because she was overwhelmed because she missed him so much. I can relate and understand where she is coming from because I too lost my dad.
Everybody experiences loss. Some more than others, its a part of the journey of life. No one really knows how one feels. And during that time there is nothing that really comforts you because you do not have that loved one near. Speaking personally I learned to cope with losing a loved one at an early age.
The year was 1998 I was 14 (yes I am dating myself) and my life was what I define as perfect. I wanted for nothing. My parents gave me everything I ever wanted or needed.
My father had been in remission from kidney cancer for 6 years. Suddenly he became ill and that is when my perfect world turn upside down. Everything was happening so fast doctors appointments, in and out of the hospital. I never experienced the death of a loved one and did not think it could happen in my perfect world. Boy did I have a lot to learn. On February 1,1998 at 8:30 pm my mother woke me up from a sweet slumber and told me my father had passed away. I could not believe it. The doctors had sent him home from the hospital so I thought he was getting better. It was my fathers wish to be home with his family his finally days. I ran downstairs frantically to see if she was telling the truth. I saw my brother sitting there across from his hospital bed with his head in his lap. I thought my father was still breathing since there was some kind of air apparatus on the bed. But my mother was right he was gone. Being young I could not understand why. I am also a bit ashamed to say that I was angry at God for taking my father away from me. I was constantly questioning why. I have heard from older people in the church that we should not question God but I could not understand so I did. Why? To this day I still haven't gotten a direct answer but I have gotten understanding as I have grown for a naive little girl into a constantly growing woman.
I was angry for years. I still have my moments but its apart of the grieving cycle I will call it instead of a process. In this cycle one can go back and forth through the different stages in the cycle. I look at it as if it were equivalent to the circle of life with a bunch of arrows criss-crossing between stages. It is definitely a learning experience that no person or book can tell you exactly how to get through it. Yes the are tools but one has to learn and cope on their own.
I am now 28 and have dealt with more loss but non greater than the loss of my father. I get through it by remembering the good times. His laugh, his "hip" sayings, his wisdom kindness. My father was the most self-less kind hearted man until this day I have ever known. He had a gentle soul he was so friendly he knew everyone. I did not know him to have any enemies. Wow he was truly and angel that God needed by his side in heaven. I am proud to say that he was my dad!
You have the same smile!
ReplyDeleteClearly I never knew him but I do know that he would be proud of the woman you are today. You are strong, loving, centered and a force to be reckoned with. You turn every obstacle into a chance for growth and I admire that about you.
My father has fought cancer 4 times. Watching Kim's wedding reminded me of all the nights I feared he wouldn't be around for my big day. I am blessed that my dad was there and don't think for a second that yours won't be too...he will just be harder to see. He is with you every breath you take and every step of the way. And for those moments when he is harder to feel, look in the mirror and see him reflected back at you!
Love you!